10 Steps to Help Your Child Make a Real Apology

In our last post, Don't Force It: Why (and How) We Teach Kids to Apologize and Mean It, we explored why apologies matter – not just as good manners, but as a way to build empathy, take responsibility, and strengthen relationships.

But even if your child is already apologizing on their own, there’s one more layer: sincerity. We want our kids to mean it. We want our kids to understand what they did, how it affected someone else, and how to make it right.

That takes more than a quick “say you’re sorry.” In fact, jumping straight to the apology can bypass the real lesson, leaving your child without the chance to reflect, feel remorse, or grow from experience.

So what can you do instead?

There are practical, research-based strategies to help grow kids into people who genuinely take responsibility and care about making things right. Here are steps to build empathy, emotional awareness, and stronger relationships.

1.     1. Check on the Person Who Was Hurt

Before addressing your child’s behavior, first turn your attention to the person who was affected, emotionally or physically. 

 Ask if they are okay. Offer comfort. This models compassion and sends a subtle but powerful message: when someone is hurt, we pay attention and show care. For example, after your child knocks down a sibling’s block tower, you go over and ask the sibling, “Are you okay? Want some help rebuilding it?” Your child sees you prioritize the hurt person, and that repairing relationships starts with compassion.

2.   2. Slow Down and Calm Down

Give everyone a moment to regulate their emotions before addressing what happened.

Kids learn best when they’re calm, and strong emotions can block learning. If you’re upset or embarrassed, too, it’s harder to teach effectively. Taking a pause isn’t avoiding discipline; it prepares your child for a more meaningful conversation. It’s creating a space for a teachable moment.

3.      3. Explore the Reason

There’s often more to the story. Understanding the motive can reveal unmet needs or frustrations.

 Maybe your child wanted a turn, didn’t feel like anyone was listening, or was hit first.

That doesn’t excuse the behavior. But understanding the “why” builds self-awareness and helps identify tools to handle things differently next time.  

You might say, “What was going on when you hit your brother?” and they reply, “I wanted the shovel and he wasn’t giving it to me.” Now you can teach a better way to ask next time.

4.     4. Clearly Identify the Unacceptable Behavior

Be specific and describe what is not okay. Focus on the behavior, not your child’s character.

 Instead of “You’re being mean,” say, “It’s not okay to throw things when you’re upset.” It helps children understand boundaries and social rules without feeling shamed (which is a self-esteem destroyer).

It keeps the focus on learning instead of blame.

5.     5. Talk About the Impact

Help your child see how their behavior affected someone else.

This teaches empathy and accountability by connecting actions with consequences. Ask, “What happened because of what you did?” or say, “When you knocked over her painting, she felt sad and didn’t want to finish it.”

Understanding the effect of their behavior builds social awareness.

6.   6. Name the Feelings

Give your child the words to describe their own emotions and the emotions of the other person they hurt. 

Kids don’t automatically have an emotional vocabulary. Helping them name feelings builds emotional intelligence. Considering how someone else feels helps them understand different perspectives.

7.     7. Encourage Making Amends

Guide your child to take action to repair the harm they caused. 

Apologies are more powerful when paired with an effort to make things right.

Ask, “What can you do to help make it better?” Your child might offer to rebuild the block tower or draw a picture for the hurt friend. This moves the focus from guilt to growth.

8.     8. Problem-Solve for Next Time

Once things have calmed down, talk through what your child can do differently in the future to avoid repeating the behavior. 

 Planning ahead empowers your child to use better strategies and shows them they can learn from mistakes.

Say, “Next time you want a turn, what could you do instead of grabbing?”

9.     9. Model Apologies Yourself

Show your child what a real apology looks like by giving them one sincerely when you mess up.

Children learn a lot from watching you. When you mess up (because we all do), own it.

For example, “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I was feeling rushed, but that’s no excuse. Next time, I’ll try to give us more time to get ready and out the door.” This shows apologies are normal, respectful, and a part of a healthy relationship, even with grown-ups.

10. 10. Teach the Anatomy of a Real Apology

A strong apology includes three parts:

• ·        Remorse- honest regret for the harm caused

• ·        Amends – a gesture to make it right

• ·        Commitment – a plan to do better next time

This gives kids a clear framework for offering genuine apologies.

Walk them through:

• ·        “I’m really sorry I broke your tower” (remorse)

• ·        “I’ll help you rebuild it” (amends)

• ·        “Next time, “I’ll ask if I can play with it too” (commitment).

Let them see that real apologies have heart and follow through.

Final Thoughts

At some point, almost every parent has forced an apology. And sometimes, that’s necessary. But over time, we can shift from just managing behavior in the moment to helping our kids build the character and skills they’ll need for life.

When we focus less on getting the words out and more on helping our kids develop empathy, accountability, and emotional insight, we equip them with tools they can carry into every friendship, classroom, and future relationship.

What we really want isn’t just politeness.

We want character.

And that takes time, patience, and yes, probably a few more knocked-down sandcastles