Name It to Tame It: Why Putting Feelings Into Words Can Help Kids Calm Down

“Name it to tame it.”

You may have heard this phrase from psychiatrist and parenting expert Dr. Dan Siegel. It sounds almost too simple. When a child is overwhelmed by anger, fear, frustration, or disappointment, we help them put words to what they are feeling.

But there is some fascinating science behind this simple parenting tool.

The practice is called affect labeling, which is essentially the process of putting an emotional experience into words. Instead of simply experiencing I feel awful, a child begins to identify, I’m really angry, I’m nervous, I’m disappointed, or That scared me.

And something important happens when we put feelings into words.

The brain begins to calm down

When we experience a strong emotion, the amygdala, a part of the brain involved in detecting and responding to threat, can become highly activated. This is useful when we need to react quickly to danger, but it isn't particularly helpful when we're trying to reason through a sibling argument, cope with disappointment, or calm down after being told “no.”

Research by Matthew Lieberman and colleagues found that simply labeling an emotional experience with words was associated with decreased activity in the amygdala and reduced physiological distress. In other words, putting feelings into words appears to help turn down the brain's emotional alarm system.

That gives new meaning to something parents often say:

“Tell me what's wrong.”

We aren't just gathering information. We may actually be helping the child's brain regulate the emotional experience.

From emotion to language

There is another interesting piece to this.

When we name an emotion, we engage areas of the prefrontal cortex, including the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is involved in things like language, thinking, decision-making, and regulating our responses.

Think of it as helping the brain move from simply experiencing an emotion to thinking about the emotion.

Imagine a child who comes running into the kitchen after an argument with a sibling.

“She's so mean! I hate her! She ruined everything!”

Their emotional system is doing a lot of the talking.

A parent might respond:

“You are really angry. You worked hard on that project, and then she knocked it over.”

The parent isn't agreeing that the sibling is “mean.” The parent is helping the child identify and organize the experience.

Now the child has something they can think about:

I'm angry. She knocked over my project. I worked hard on it.

That may not make the problem disappear, but it can create enough space for the child to begin thinking about what to do next.

What happens when kids are overwhelmed?

There is a reason that reasoning with a child in the middle of a meltdown often goes nowhere.

When we are under intense stress, the brain's emotional and threat-response systems can become highly activated, while the networks involved in higher-level thinking and self-control become less effective. It’s like the child has temporarily “gone offline.”

This is why a lecture about appropriate behavior rarely works in the middle of a tantrum.

The child may not need more information at that moment. They may first need help getting regulated enough to use the information they already have.

That is where naming the emotion can help.

“You're furious.”

“You really wanted to go.”

“That was scary.”

“You're disappointed that we have to leave.”

“You didn't expect that to happen.”

These statements don't excuse inappropriate behavior. They don't mean we give children whatever they want. And they certainly don't mean that every feeling needs a lengthy conversation.

They simply help put language around an experience that may currently feel overwhelming.

Name the feeling, then set the limit

One of the most useful things about affect labeling is that validation and boundaries can happen at the same time.

A child can be angry and still be expected not to hit.

“You are really angry that your brother took your toy. I'm not going to let you hit him.”

A child can be disappointed and still have to leave the playground.

“You're really disappointed that it's time to go. It's hard to leave when you're having fun. It's still time to go.”

A child can be anxious and still need to walk into the classroom.

“You're feeling nervous about going in. New things can feel uncomfortable. I'm going to walk you to the door, and then you can go in.”

The message is powerful:

Your feelings are okay. Your behavior still has boundaries. And I can help you handle what you're feeling.

We don't have to get the feeling exactly right

Parents sometimes worry about saying the wrong thing.

“What if I say she's angry and she's actually sad?”

That's okay.

You can simply offer a possibility:

“Are you feeling frustrated?”

“Maybe you're disappointed?”

“Did that make you nervous?”

“You seem really upset.”

This gives the child an opportunity to correct you.

“No! I'm not mad. I'm embarrassed!”

Perfect.

Now you've given them another emotional word and helped them think more specifically about what is happening inside.

Over time, children build a larger emotional vocabulary. And the better they become at recognizing and describing their emotions, the more tools they have for managing them.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can say is surprisingly simple

When a child is having a big feeling, our instinct can be to fix it.

We want to explain why they shouldn't be upset. We want to tell them it isn't a big deal. We want to convince them that everything will be fine.

Sometimes, though, the first step isn't fixing.

It's naming.

“You're scared.”

“You're really frustrated.”

“That hurt your feelings.”

“You were expecting something different.”

“You're disappointed.”

A few simple words can help a child make sense of a big internal experience.

And the science behind affect labeling gives us a reason to believe that those words are doing more than simply acknowledging a feeling. By putting emotion into language, we may be helping the brain shift from emotional reactivity toward greater regulation and control.

That's a pretty powerful parenting tool for something as simple as giving a feeling a name.

A little help sorting it out

The next time your child's emotions seem to be taking over, try resisting the urge to immediately solve the problem.

Pause.

Get close.

Name what you see.

Then, once the emotional intensity has come down, you can talk about what happened and what to do next.

Name the feeling.
Calm the brain.
Then teach the skill.

Sometimes, a child doesn't need us to make the feeling disappear.

They need us to help them understand what they're feeling and discover that they can handle it.